I have a very special planner that at the end of each month asks you to write down all the memories that are worth mentioning from the past month. I have to say that February was a rough month for me, I knew it before and I realized it now even more that I went back to check what were my last blog posts about. I got really dark, which is usually not like me, I am a pretty cheerful and optimistic person.
But sometimes even the happiest person has to have a rough month. It can’t be perfect all the time and you can’t always smile. I think bad days are good for us, they cleanse our Soul.
And I’m proud of myself that I am not afraid to admit that to myself. I had a rough month, but as they say, you can’t learn anything valuable if you’re not taught a lesson and you usually get those from bad things that happen to you. So it doesn’t matter how bad something gets, at the end, you’re getting something out of it, I promise.
So another thing that my planner does is at the beginning of each month it asks you to release all of your feelings on to a piece of paper. And I couldn’t help but feel terrified when I just thought about it. I am a big mess inside right now, I don’t even know where I stand with myself and I know that I am not standing on solid grounds and I probably won’t for a while, and that’s okay.
So if I’m all over the place how can I release my feelings? How can I put them on a piece of paper? I think that would be all over the place as well.
So I was afraid, I am afraid.
It’s not that what is happening to me happened for the first time. Trust me, I am not new at this. The thing is, that how I feel this time, is different. Out of all the experiences I ever wanted to have, this was the one I was hoping to avoid. And I ask myself what is Life trying to teach me through it, what will it give me, what will I gain?
At first I didn’t want it…screw the experience, the lesson…screw everything! I had my guard up, I didn’t want to get hurt, I mean who does?
But somehow I didn’t get a choice, and I am glad that I didn’t. I would be stubborn and I wouldn’t experience what I did, I would be less of a person if I didn’t, I would lose something valuable.
Sometimes I think that Life doesn’t like me very much. All it keeps giving me are lessons learned the hard way, it never gives me something positive and I want to know why and I keep asking myself what did I do that it does this to me.
Then I think again, the things I’ve been through, the lessons I’ve learnt, the things I’ve seen and experienced…
yes they were rough but I gained so much from them, I grew so much, I became this person that I love and I got a chance to meet this amazing person so up close…ME.
And I am the kind of person, that doesn’t have a problem with expressing her feelings, saying things out loud, crying into a friends shoulder.
But as I said, this thing, even though totally the same, hit me from a whole new angle and I am obviously confused how to handle it. I am lost and I don’t know where to begin.
Release my feelings?
Where do I even start? Truth be told I am afraid what would happen if I do…I’m afraid that everything would come crashing down, that everything would become real; the truth…if I say it out loud and I am not ready for that.
I can’t even say it in my head, without my heart pinching, let alone say it out loud…to admit it.
I always wanted to hurry, get it over with. But here…here I need time, I have to talk to myself, I have to discuss it with my head and my heart. I have to realize it, picture it. I have to spell it out for myself, because it’s so painful, so surreal that I’m not ready to believe it, I’m not ready to give it up.
I’d rather keep it a secret, I’d rather lie to myself, just a bit more longer, keep it for myself. I’d rather wonder if I dodged the bullet or lost the love of my life, I’d rather have him breaking my heart than lose him completely.
I am not ready to say goodbye, to say that it’s…
I can’t even write it and as I’m writing it I am realizing that that’s not wrong.
It’s okay to feel this way, it’s okay to feel loss, to feel confused, to not know what to do, to keep holding on, because the hardest way to let someone go is when you are forced to, even though that’s what neither of you want.
When you know that that’s not how it should be and you keep wondering what could’ve happen if the timing was right.
Release my feelings?
I can’t, not just yet. I want to keep them just a bit longer, have my fairy tale and when I will be ready, I will do so, I will move on and I will get the lesson from everything that happened, but right now, I am okay with being down, with not feeling cheerful, because I know that my heart needs time…and that’s okay.
Read with you later, Lara ❤