Something missing

Before I can start with this post I have to share something rather personal with you, so that you will understand everything I am about to say.

I consider myself being an Old Soul. I also believe in reincarnation and past lives. I believe that in every life we have one important lesson we have to learn in order to have an easier life next time. I love reading about previous lives and I sometimes write down things I am passionate about or I feel strong connection with since I can remember and I always kind of connected them with my previous lives.

So for example I believe that in one of my previous lives I lived in New York. I have never been there but since I was a little girl I have felt a strong connections to it. As if I know the city; it always looked so familiar and even though I’ve never been it kind of feels like home. I also think that if not the first Life I ever had at least one of the oldest had to be in the Elizabethan era, because I feel such connection with it. The same similarity as I do with New York.

Another thing you have to know about me, if you want to understand this post is that I didn’t have many boys in my life and I am single for about 4 years now (because I am kind of a old-fashioned girl that believes in love and I don’t go with every guy that blinks at me twice). Besides that I don’t have much luck when it comes to love and it bothered me for the longest time, to see all my friends in relationships and me being the only single girl for so long. I don’t know anyone that has been single for such a long time without meeting someone and of course the questions that go through your head are usually: what is wrong with me, why can’t I find somebody who likes me back, I am unlucky and so on and so forth.

And it always really bothered me (to be frank it still does), because I grew tired of being alone and I never had anyone to share the same story with and with that all sorts of things go through your head…gosh, it’s hard to talk about this…let’s just say that I have everything in life: I am healthy, I have the best family I could ever have and I am surrounded with friends that will always be there for me, so really if I have problems (that means that I overthink things…which is a blog post for itself…I usually question if I will ever meet someone or will I be alone forever while all my friends are married with children…yes, that’s all I think about…unfortunately) I have them with love. I am the least confident person when it comes to it and I am also the most pessimistic person when it comes to it (and to put the cherry on top I am a very shy person) and I know that it shouldn’t bug me as much, but unfortunately in today’s society, being single is seen as weakness and that you are not “beautiful” or “nobody wants you” and so on and so on. I don’t care what society thinks, I don’t care that I am single in their way; it’s more for me, because it can really be lonely.

takes-a-strong-person-to-remain-single-in-a-world-3882911

And with all that said I can continue with this post (sorry for the long introduction).
I was lucky that I got some alone time this weekend, because it really got me thinking. I have this constant feeling that a part of me is missing. And since I believe in previous lives I believe that I have a mission that has to be fulfilled in this life.
I think that in my previous life I was very lucky early on with finding the love of my life. I was happy and for that life I learned how to love unconditionally (because somehow I constantly find myself giving friends advice about relationships in which, ironically, I have the least experience from all of them and I just…I don’t know how to explain it…understand love). I know because I feel it, I want to find someone again to love as I did in my previous life, to put my knowledge from before at use and to pour that love on someone.

And I always thought that that was it. It was my biggest wish to find someone with whom I would spend the rest of my life with. And I think it still is but it derives from my previous life. The love burns through and is trying to interfere with the lesson I am supposed to get in this life.
I know that when I find love I will drop everything. It’s not like I am incapable of having both – my dreams and love – but I think that I simply wouldn’t care for my dreams, because in my heart I would have what I wanted. But I think that in this life my mind/ my head have to come above my heart. I think that love isn’t really in the cards for me in this life. It pains me to say so but I have a feeling it’s true. I believe that in every life we get, our Soul has to learn something and since I got the lesson on how to love in a previous life, my heart needs a break and my head needs to learn something now.

I was born in a small town in a small country and I always felt misplaced, yet I always kind of believed that I was somehow meant to do something great/something big with this life. So what I think I am feeling inside for some time now is not loneliness, because I think I am destined to feel it all through this life, but the feeling that I am simply wasting my time. By staying in this country, by staying at one place, not traveling, by doing the things that are below me, by studying something  that I don’t want to do. The feeling that I should get up, that I am old enough to start what I have been wanting my entire life to do. To embrace and start the lesson I am supposed to learn from this life and I think that is what this feeling is.
A piece of me missing from not doing anything I want with my life.20170327_011327

And I am grateful that I somehow woke from this coma of stillness, because now I urge to make way for the things I want to do. I don’t have to have everything right away, I know it doesn’t work that way but to at least go in the right direction, to start walking on the road that will lead me to completion. I am happy in a way that I realized that what bothers me isn’t love at all but the missing feeling that I am supposed to do something great with my life. I am afraid of how I will manage but at the same time excited of the journey to come.

 

Read with you later, Lara. ❤

 

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