Have you ever been stuck in your life?
Yeah, I knew this would be difficult to explain.
Let me start again.
Have you ever feel like your life is a loop?
Like everything is always the same and nothing is changing?
And on top of that, you get the feeling that nothing will in fact ever change?
Do you feel me now?
GREAT, moving on!
I have been feeling like that from about umm, I don’t know October.
I just started my Master’s degree and I regretted it immediately.
But there was no turning back (because my parents would KILL ME) so I had to make the best of it.
And if you look at the date of the post you can see it’s 9th April.
That means I have been in my “regret stage” for 6 months.
I apologize but I have not counted the months until writing this post and it really hit me.
Wow, 6 months. Nice job Lara, you loser!
So I have been regretting going to Masters for 6 months.
For half a year I felt sorry for myself, thinking I could be walking the streets of New York by now.
WHAT AN IDIOT!
But something clicked in these past few days. (April is really good to me; ironically the only month I really despise in a whole year, turns out to be my best friend.) I don’t know what it was, to be honest, I just had this vision in my head that I am a coward for not taking any sort of action to change who I am.
I, the person who always says that it’s okay to change and that we change all the time because we are constantly learning, I AM DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO CHANGE MY LIFE.
As I said before, WHAT AN IDIOT!
One day (perhaps 1st April (which is even more ironic, since it’s April’s Fools Day)) I woke up, feeling sorry for myself yet again. I opened my bedroom door and walked towards the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and I rolled my eyes (imagine: I rolled my eyes upon seeing myself).
Why you wonder?
Because I was sick of seeing who I am. I was angry with myself for feeling sorry for myself. I was a loser in my own eyes and if I see myself so low, then who, possibly, would see me in any other way.
I knew that I have to finish my Masters, so I am stuck in one place for a year and a half. Okay, no big deal, you can do something else anyway.
What are your hobbies?
What excites you?
What do you want to do?
I came upon a quote that went something like this: If you are in a place, where you can’t quite achieve your dreams, think in another way: can you do something to get you on that path? Can you do something parallel to the thing you are doing now that once you finish the thing you can, not start on your dreams, but simply continue to achieve them?
It struck me like lightning, I am telling you.
It even hurt a little because I realized what an idiot I am. I am studying something that I will probably never do for the rest of my life. Still, I have enough time to start on my actual goals. I can start small now and I believe that I can get somewhere in a year and a half and once I finish college I can only continue on the path I imagined (and it would be easier too since I would already have the foundation to advance).
So I started working on the things that excite me. I took the time I was spending feeling sorry for myself and I set myself a goal to make every day in April productive. So far, it’s the 9th and I have been productive EVERY SINGLE DAY!
This morning when I looked myself in the mirror (yes, I rolled my eyes but I rolled them because my hair was a mess not because I didn’t like what I saw) I smiled to myself, knowing the things I set myself to do today. And this blog post is the last thing on the list and it’s only half past seven! (Sh*t, what will I do for the rest of the day?)
I also noticed that for the past couple of days I have been given compliments of how happy I am:
Are you in love?
What happened that you are so happy?
Have you won the lottery?
What is going on?
What are you hiding?
And all I did was smile. I am not in love nor have I won the lottery (even though that would be a surprise since I didn’t buy a ticket). I am not hiding anything and nothing in particular is going on (except my productivity and going out with friends).
It just simply dawned on me that I can do what I want despite being in the state I can’t avoid. I simply confronted my obstacle and instead of jumping I went around it. I decided that it was time to change my life; that it was time to take action, to find what makes me happy and JUST DO THAT!
I may have needed a lot of time, but I did it. And that’s what counts to me.
And if you are reading this and the only thing going through your head is that you are the same and that you need change than just go for it. We all have obstacles in our lives all the time and if we put all the fault on them we would forever be stuck in a loop. If we want to change, if we really want to be happy we have to stand up and fight!
We can’t just wait around for life to change. We have to take action and change it ourselves.
We are always going to have obstacles in our way. It just depends on us what are we going to do. If we can’t jump them right now, we can go around them and come back later. Either way, we need to move on.
HOWEVER, we can only do so when we are ready. Don’t force yourself to change, change has to come naturally. If you force it you only ruin yourself.
It might sound funny, but sometimes we need to sit down with ourselves, have some therapy sessions in the mirror. Talk things through with ourselves and then prescribe the change.
As I said, I didn’t even notice how happy I was until other people noticed. Because to me everything was normal, it just clicked one day and everything turned around. And now that I am thinking back I can see how much I actually changed (for the better I hope).
So talk to yourself, work things out. Everything is possible, you just have to be determined to do it and one day, it will just CLICK.
Read with you later, Lara. ❤